So, I’m about to turn 33. Not old, by any stretch of the imagination. But not young, either. Until now, I’ve been able to get away with eating crap and working out to counter it. I’ve been able to function on 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I’ve been able to maintain this illusion that I’m supermom with the awesome bod with a combination of carefully crafted selfies, clothes that flatter rather than fit, and the lie that I keep telling myself: I’m fine.
Friends – I’m not fine. I mean, I’m not sick or anything – my doctors think I’m in pretty good shape, actually (Thank you, Cardio Barre DVD!!!). But for almost a decade, they’ve been nagging me about little things: More veggies, lest fats. More sleep, less stress. More muscle toning, less cardio… which all just point to one major thing I dread: Change.
More sleep? Are you joking? I have a 2yo who RARELY sleeps through the night. I have a job that has me clocking out between 11:45pm and 12:30am 2-4 times a week. Throw in early mornings for school drop offs, insomniac tendencies that started in HS, and a brain that NEVER SHUTS UP and I’ve got myself a recipe for disaster. I’m no longer running on fumes. I’m running on remnants of rainbows and unicorns.
And stress? Guys… I work retail. Middle management retail. Specifically, I manage Guest Experience at one of the biggest chain stores in the country. Our particular location is smack dab in the middle of a wealthy/affluent area where very few people have ever been told “No.” Stress is pretty much a component of the air we breath in that building. (Shout out and props to my AMAZING team that handles it with grace!)
Throw on top of that 2 kids, 1 husband, and 1 me that are probably THE pickiest eaters on the entire planet, and you are staring at the answer to my problems. I can’t catch up. And something’s gotta give before a doctor tells me there really is a problem.
SO I decided sometime last year that I was going to do something about it at the new year. You know, resolutions and all that jazz. Make changes, be healthier, yadda yadda. And, as I knew it would, January came and went with little change. Sure, I cut back on my Dr. Pepper intake (let’s be honest, that’s pretty big). I started drinking more water and trying hard to eat better. But it wasn’t enough. I realized my body needed a hard reset. So I signed up for the Arbonne 30Day Detox Challenge. I paid less than most, but still WAY more than should be necessary to have coaches guide me through one month of “clean eating.” The benefits are supposed to be incredible. So, the closet health nut in me said, “Let’s do this.” The products came, I got all the accessories, I dusted off the blender.
Today is day 1. I’m about 4 hours in and I’ve realized 2 things: 1 – THIS SUCKS!!!! And 2 – The only way I am going to get through it is if I narcissistically (and sarcastically) document my “progress” here. If I’m going to torture myself, hopefully you call can gain a smile from it.
I vow to be honest. I do NOT promise I won’t complain. Or make excuses. Or cry. Hahaha. But I’ll tell ya like it is and we’ll see where I’m at on March 2nd. You with me?
Ok, Here we go. Day 1.
Here I am in all my weird glory. Today I weigh 125 lbs, my “waist” (they say measure your waist at your belly button… Guys, my waist is that tiny, almost non-existent indentation about 3 inches above my belly button! But okay…), is 33 inches, hips are 35. Thigh is 19!!!! (My thighs are MORE THAN HALF my waist size… Yikes!) and my poor pathetic little wimpy arms are 11 inches around… while flexing. Wuss!
So this morning I followed the plan to the letter: Detox Tea, Digestion+ “shot” and a shake (think Shakeology style) for breakfast. Ready for the recap? Here we go.
Detox Tea: I hate Tea. Tea is a lie. Everyone “loves” tea and has been telling me for ages, “Jen, you should drink tea!” Tea is nothing but warm water with little crunchy leaves in it masquerading as a flavored drink. Today’s tea was no different: Epic fail. It was hot water that turned a pukey green color. It did smell strongly of mint which got me excited but it was apparently just a ploy to get my hopes up and then crush them as I choked down… you guessed it… warm water that tasted funny. Plus it made me nauseous (which I’m told is normal.) I finished half.
Digestion+: Ok so this is 4oz of water with a powder mixed in. 4 oz does not dissolve it all so there are floaters. And, again, why pukey green? Plus, it smelled horrible! At least the tea smelled good, leading me into a false sense of security. This was just blatantly out there – this is going to suck. Good luck!!! Yea, one sip got spit back out into the sink, followed by a couple of dry heaves. NOT doing that again.
Shake: So the powders smell amazing. Like chocolate and vanilla should smell! So there was hope. But there is a definite learning curve to making these shakes. The first one got tossed as it was a goopey, gloppy, powdery mess. But the second one turned out pretty good!!! It tasted like chocolate and berries (intentional) and had the consistency of a frap from Starbucks. But don’t be fooled. There is a reason Sbux makes bazzillions each year and you’ve never heard of an Arbonne Detox Shake. This is no Frap. The powder, while good for you, doesn’t totally dissolve. So there is a powdery consistency as you drink, and 2 hours later, I’ve still got the taste in my mouth. Also, I couldn’t finish it all. The recipe made like 20 ounces of the stuff – I could barely finish half. But I was definitely full. So that’s a win.
At this point, I’ve already emailed my coach to tell her that I won’t be doing this detox to the letter. That digestion+ stuff can bite me. But I also told her that I still feel I can make modifications that fit for me and still reset. I promised to eliminate what they say to, and add some of what they say I should add. (NOT adding quinoa no matter how much you pay me, and dammit, I’m having bacon with lunch!)
The goal for me is not to lose weight – I don’t need to. What I need is for my body to not crave so much junk. What I need is more energy, and BETTER sleep. What I need is a month devoted to creating new habits so the old ones die.
Here’s hoping I can meet those goals without dying, or gagging, in the process. Wish me luck!!!